Need-to-know
Frequently unasked
The questions we get, the ones we wish we got, and the one about lizards.
Are you a government agency?+
No. We are a private talent concern with excellent letterhead. Some of our clients have buildings with flags. We do not. If a site ends in the letters that mean government, it is not this one.
Is this real?+
Define real. We have a placement rate, a filing system, and a very long lunch. This website is a work of satire and parody. No actual employment is offered. Applications stay on your machine. Nobody in a basement is reading them, including us.
Do you place politicians?+
We cast talent for civic theater: debates, town halls, listening tours, photo opportunities, and the walk from the car to the door. We do not appoint, elect, or crown anyone. If a principal later holds office, that production has a different producer.
What about the moon?+
Client-confidential. We staffed a 1969 production involving a great deal of gray dust and excellent lighting. Location was either the Sea of Tranquility or Stage 9. Both have union rules. We do not hire people to harass the ones who actually went.
Do you hire “crisis actors”?+
No. We do not staff productions that treat real harm to real people as a set. We do not recruit anyone to impersonate victims of actual events. If that sentence disappointed you, you are in the wrong waiting room, and we would like you to leave it.
Can I apply if I am a lizard, a clone, or from a neighboring timeline?+
Equal opportunity. Species, dimension, and timeline are not considered. Please do not send scales, duplicates, or paradoxes in the mail. We do not have a mailroom. That is not a metaphor. We do not have a mailroom.
How do I know if I got the part?+
You will not be called. You will simply appear. If you have already appeared, congratulations. If you never appear, you were still, in a sense, very good.
Are you the Hollywood extra company?+
No. We are not affiliated with Central Casting, the long-running Hollywood extra service, or with any similarly named concern, government, party, lodge, or saucer club. They have real extras. We have a bit.
Why is the placement rate 99.97%?+
We only count the roles that got filled. The others are still in research. The Terms of Service Reader has been in research since 1976 and would ruin the chart.
Will you take my Social Security number, clearance, or secrets?+
Absolutely not. Do not send government identification, classified material, passwords, or the coordinates to anywhere hollow. This form does not want them. If a site asks for those in this costume, it is not satire, and you should close it.