Open calls

The production requires a candidate who can lose with dignity, win with surprise, and cut a ribbon as if it were the first ribbon. You will not be told which offices are real.

The production needs a person who used to be in the room and is now willing to describe the furniture. Actual secrets will not be provided, which is a relief for everyone.

You will be quoted as “a person familiar with the matter.” The matter will be provided. Familiarity is optional.

A small-town principal is required for a production involving pie contests, a water tower, and a secret that turns out to be zoning. The town is a set. The pie is real.

We need a principal who can be introduced as the grown-up in the room and then sit very still while the room happens around them.

Point at a map. Care about a weekend. Own a blazer that can survive sleet and ratings. The weather will do what the weather does. You will narrate it as if it had an arc.

The production requires fog that looks like it has been there for centuries. Ships, planes, and plot devices pass through. Nothing actually disappears. Wardrobe just gets damp.

A modest apparatus produces a hump, then a second hump, then a tourist. Maintenance is the job. Mystery is the product. The apparatus is the size of a generous kayak.

People remember the logo with a different fruit. The children's book with a different spelling. Your job is not to correct them. Your job is to make the world match the louder memory, or the quieter one, depending on the cut.

Sit. Nod. Approve a thing that was going to happen. The production needs faces that look like governance. The governance is happening, if it is, somewhere else.

Post a lesson from a thing that did not happen to you. Use a car as a classroom. End with a question nobody will answer. The algorithm is the audience. The audience is a metaphor.

The original crew is retired, mythical, or on the ranch. We need relief grips who can flag a light that makes dust look expensive. Whether the original production was on location or on a stage remains a matter of client preference.

Stand near a fence. Look like you did not see a thing, which will be accurate. Wardrobe is either a torn flight suit or a weather balloon, depending on the take. Both are in the trailer.

The bird is never the same bird. The job is making sure nobody notices the zipper, the swap, or the fact that the bird has been to three cities in a day.

We are oversupplied with people who can act. We are undersupplied with people who cannot. Certain productions require a principal so unconvincing that the audience assumes the scene is documentary. If you have trained, do not apply. If your loved ones have asked you to stop doing bits, do apply.

You will be “just passing by” when the sandwich is lifted, the dog is heroic, and the couple laughs on cue. The candid is on a shot list. The joy can still be real. That is the craft.

This role has been open since 1976. The successful principal will read the terms. All of them. We have never filled it. The placement rate would be lower if we counted this one, so we keep it in research.